My Best Friends Wedding

It seems that the most famous wedding of Tinsel town for the current generation was a total farce. The real Abhi-Aish wedding was a far cry from reality. The glimpses of what one got to see on the television were actually that of a mega block buster being shot in the Bandra-Juhu locality. Inside sources reveal the following storyline.

Ash’s family arranges an Abhishek Bacchan for their glorious girl. The family sings a lot of songs and amidst distribution of Laddoos the couple exchange their rings. As the Bollywood brat (our own Sallu bhai) learns this…  he starts towards the place where his one time girl friend is being married against her will…While he is on his way  he encounters a certain Vi‘weak’ Abbe-roye who is apparently holding a press conference in the middle of the road… Seeing this Sallu bhai first takes of his shirt…and immediately some thirty forty Monas, Tinas, Chamelis sprout from nowhere and a dance sequence begins…. All of them mysteriously synchronizing their steps with Sallu……Sallu Bhai does a nice jig which involves a Ring-a Ring-a roses around Vi‘weak’ Bhai.

Towards the end of the song   someone comes and whispers into Sallu bhai’s ears and reminds him that he is supposed to be on his way to win his beau……Sallu laughs out loudly and says ….”Sallu khush Hua” and takes off his pearl chain and flings it at the messenger….. The messenger starts screaming “Maharaj Sallu ki jai.. Maharaj Sallu amar rahe.Maharaj Sallu ki jai”

A tapori gets Sallu his Fighting T-Shirt Armour… Sallu wears it and promptly tears it….. Sallu then does a lot of bamboo and brick bashing… whacking the Babban Bhendis,Taklu Haiwans,Chiknya Mucchads, Irfan Khajurs, Barkya Ganpats, Lukda Roberts, and Pervez Bombils….. Then he turns his sight on the Abbe-roye ke Khaandaan ka Chiraag -not once.. not twice but a total of 3 times…. ( ekdummmm Saas bhi kabhi Bahu thi issshtyle) Dhishumm Bhishuummm….. Suddenly there is rain and loads of people watching the fight scene….. which has now moved to the dhobi ghat……As usual Sallu bhai gets thrashed reeeeeeeeel bad …. Abbe-roye ka one kick send him crashing into one of the brick shops…… where mysteriously he finds a Dainik Jhagran Newspaper…..with a background music of “Jhagran jhagran.. jhagran.. jhagran” happening…. the temple bells start ringing and Sallu bhai screams  murder…..and thrashes Oberoi ka chiraag with only his bare head…. Vi’weak’ is unable to find an answer to these pyrotechnics….all this is being beamed live thru different angles by  Toto Sky  so that Aish can watch this. She  feels the love gripping her in an emotional turmoil  ….  Bottom line… Vi’weak’ bhaiiya loses the election….)

 In a final showdown Sallu goes over Viweak & forcibly makes him drink a pepsi-cide. As he is about to drain the bottle he suddenly hears a “Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”….. Sallu’s mother moves into the picture and pleads with her son not to taint his hands in blood….  …..She points out that chinese Policeman- Long handed Kaa Noon will take care of that….As she is saying this Wicked Viweak takes out his gun to shoot… Sallu’s Mom manages to watch this move in a strategically placed rear view mirror of a Maruti 800 and before Kaa-Noon can do anything about it she moves in intercept the advancing bullet….. in a fit of anger Sallu hails himself on Viweak (matrix isshtyle)… 5 bullets are fired by Viweak ( 6 in a cartridge right?? One wasted on the mother so…… 5 left… this is why they test Data interpretation in CAT) Sallu dodges 4 but one hits his biceps….……Sallu’s snatches the gun from Viweak and shoots.. but click click… ( Sallu never cleared DI ka cut off) …. As he looks frustrated .. a one  Suresh Kalmadi ……( who is present in selector capacity in the crowd to hunt for raw talent since Olympics are drawing closer)….. flings a gun at Sallu who hits bang in the centre of Viweak’s head…. Sallu hands the gun to Suresh (who is beaming with joy that he has unearthed a gold medal talent) and  asks him to go to his mother……Sallu rushes over to his mother  “ Beta mere bahu ko meri taraf se ye Visa Card de dena…Go get her… “ and lays down her life…. Sallu crying.. Villagers*  looking…..

Next shot….Smashan ghat….As our gladiator lights the funeral he falls down cos of his bleeding n exhaustion …… enough to send him to Lilavati …..He watches the news of Ash’s marriage from his hospital bed, as Ash leaves for the airport, hubby in tow.

With an injured hand, Sallu bhai jumps from the 10 storeyed hospital right onto a passing Tata Safari…his resolve to reclaim his life becomes stronger……Wa ka ka kaaaaaaaaaa …….Salman ejects the driver and takes off  ….. running over three persons on the pavement en route…. Somehow Mumbai Police (or the tiger clan) is always on the alert whenever a Lover takes fancy to meet his girlfriend…. and hence it was no suprise when they actually catch up on him …..  Sallu explains his love story . Our friendly neighbourhood cop Kaa-Noon realises that this is a matter of the heart and decides to  bail him out … He picks up his Bullet and with our hero dodges  potholes and tricky traffic of ”Barathis”  and Fly overs… 

Sallu finally reaches the airport, and with tears in his eyes he looks at Kaa- Noon.. who tells him  “mein baki sambhal loonga” . Sallu does not require a Ticket to enter the terminal area…. Flouting all the possible security measures Sallu runs on… He hears that the Air Deccan - 420 flying non stop to California is ready for take off from gate number 2 which happens to be exactly at a diaganol end from where he stands… In slow motion Sallu bhai jumps  over bags and trolleys sliding below counters to reach Gate No 2…. But Alas he can only helplessly press his face to the glass window to see  the plane take off. As he turns to leave, Sallu feels an arm over his shoulder…. Abhishek Bacchan hands over Ash to him and says, ” Tere Naam” The entire Public ( paid @ 20/-) starts clapping instantly for this great gesture and Abhishek immediately takes out his cell and calls up his Dad and says “You hear that Dad… they are just clapping for me like Hijdas.. but we all know whom they r clapping for isnt it??

                                                                             THE END

India- caught Sri Lanka bowled B’desh- 0 ( 300)

Now dont be a dimwit and ask why this match was not telecast. DD and Sony were at war over telecast rights of this all important match. 

Anyway India won the toss and requested Bermuda to field The reason being mainly philanthropic in nature. India wanted to give a lesson or two  to Bermuda as to how “NOT” to play like them. Indians demonstrated their class by tonking the ball to the Bermudan fielders… Such was the accuracy of shots that it upset Leverock’s weight loss program. The ‘Men in Blue’ were hammered Black and Boo.

Anyway the loss of the Indian cricket has brought a lot of joy and jubilations in various houses across the country Beneficiaries include Kaif, Laxman, Parthiv and Raina who have been receiving offers from television serial makers for their ability to shed crocodile tears.

The Post mortem:- In wake of the Indian loss the wise men of Indian cricket met to discuss the debacle. It was found through reliable sources that the Indian team had got mesmerized with the award-winning serial television series- LOST. So enchanted was the team with this drama that they decided to role-play the same in the world cup.

Sources also mentioned of a conversation that Coach Chappel had with various team members…..

Dravid:- Saurav was making faces at me in the field.

Chappel- Is it?? And what did you do??

Dravid : I complained to Sachin

Chappel- And what did Sachin do??

Dravid – He was signing up an endorsement so I went to Yuvi and then Dhoni.. but all were signing endorsements

Chappel: Ok Send Saurav to me( when saurav enters)

Saurav:- Ohh coach Chappel. Ki Khobor?? Amhi Shunechi you are on your way out.  Khub Bhalo. Tit for tat.

Chappel- I heard you were making faces at Dravid?

Saurav- Well…The whole country is doing it…..why r u just holding me responsible?

Chappel:- I will not tolerate this. You need to give me a full explanation for all this

Saurav:- Ok chillax yaar… Amhi explain Korchi. I was making faces cos I   was adjusting my lenses

Chappel:- Ohhhh Shuddup… Send that Sachin here.. he is going around town claiming I have a problem with his attitude it seems.

(Sachin enters and sulks in a corner)

Chappel:- Ok mate I wanted to apologise

Sachin:- What apologise… as it is my balls were on fire and you go and say that I have a bloody problem with my attitude…..

Chappel:- Well…. Fuck off mate….

Sachin:-Aaila gaali diya… Mummmmmmmmmmmmmmy

Chappel:- Yeah…thats  auzzie for Sorry

Meanwhile news trickled in that Sir Viv Richards wants to take some psychology classes for the Indian cricket team. He stated off the record that he could combine pleasure and work if he is in India. (Remember Neena Gupta… well she the pleasurable part who is lobbying hard for his selection)

He has already discovered two new exciting prospects for
India. According to him both have proven agility and athletic skills. Both hail from the jungles. One is famously known as Mowgli who has known to slay the Bengal Tiger. His experience could be put to use to get rid of another Bengal Tom-Cat. The other wild talent, Tarzan gets mesmerized by Janes of the City and opposition may exploit this vulnerability on the eve of the match.

Cricket and the share market- J & J stocks tumble After the BCCI meeting held on the 6^th of April. Johnson and Johnson stocks have taken a severe beating due to Greg Chappel’s statement. It may be remembered that Chappel has gone on record stating that “Any half-measures or cosmetic changes at this stage would be like putting Band-Aid on cancer”. Following this the BCCI has severed its contract with J & J on its supply of BAND AID.

In another move BCCI has acted tough and scrapped the contract system. It is also considering the option of outsourcing of batsmen from Bangladesh as it may prove to be a cheaper option.

 ZEE television has announced a parallel cricket league which may prove to be a direct threat to the existing cricket structure. Following this BCCI has started having talks with ZEE guys and reliable sources state that Sachin, Sehwag and Ganguly will participate as the Deewane, Parwane, and Mastane in the coming episodes of Antakshari.

During this interim period cricket lovers need not be disappointed. “Team India” will be seen in action during the month of April. The Itinerary for the month of April is as follows

India v/s Bloomingdale Primary school – 15^h April 2007

India v/s St Andrew’s High School – 22^nd April 2007

India v/s Nirmala Ladies College – 29^th April 2007

All three matches will be played at Mahalaxmi Race course.

p.s You can place your bets three days in advance with Sharad Pawar at the  Lok “Shobha”. Alternatively sms “FIX ___” to 2011

Dream Team 2011

This is the most outstanding team for 2011.. beat this if u can

First take Vinegar.To it add spices. Add citric acid ( keeping 2015 in mind) for preservation value.
Take  large Ceramic Vats.  Fill the vats with the above mixture.
Place the following in each VAT:- Sachin Tendulkar…… Followed by Dravid, Ganguly, Sehwag, Agarkar.For exotic taste use Greg Chappel

The team has the following look after fermentation

1-Sachin Thandulkar ( read as Sach = False)
2-Ra”howl” Dra”weed”
3-Sorrow Gand-Jali
4-Virender Sehwag ( this is a bad word in itself)
5-Ajit Aaa”haar” Kar
Crack Chappel ( Please note This is a Non playing “experimental” Captain)

All the above are already pickled for 2011 with blessings from Late Sharad Pawar( whose one leg is already in the grave)

Guest Players
6-Sharukh Khan ( courtesy Pepsi)
7- Pug ( the network follows from Hutch) Alternatively Abhishek Bacchan (Motorola) if the insistence of Homo-sapiens is high.

Remaining Players
8-Balbir Pasha ( for Aids awareness)
9- Telgi ( for faking match documents so that we only play Bermuda)

10- Rahul Gandhi ( cos he hails from the first Family…. so u dont argue against zonal selections…..)
11- Navjot Singh Siddhu ( we find potential in him that opponents may give up the match due to Noise Pollution. Add to this the fact that he has a murder to his credit then u get the whole idea- A la Bob Woolmer)

The remaining probables are

Chagan,  Supandi, Tenali Raman,Chacha Chaudhary, Fauladh Singh, Birbal, Einstein (Sponsored by Garnier- replacement for Dhoni )

Physio- Mona Darling

Team Manager- Shaktimaan
 

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